Letters to Santa Claus
...and what he would've liked to write back...
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
All the toys are made in
China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of
cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE can I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do?
Look, your dad's banging
the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give
that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time
to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all
the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Source: I received this once, long ago, per email. No idea who made it.
Last update of this page: Tuesday, 06-Mar-2012 15:28:08 CET